Fiends and Loathers

It's been a rough stretch. Since December 2009, I have been downsized, evicted, lost a loved one and am trying to find myself again. I'm not going to lie - it's been a challenge.

With the exception of brief periods of contracted or temporary work, I am still unemployed with no money coming in. I have grown despondent over Corporate America and traditional employment. No longer wanting to put my future and my fate in other's hands. I decided to work for myself. The impetus to this decision was meeting a woman named Marguerite.

I met Marguerite several months ago at a Tarot Enthusiast get together. I have always been drawn to Tarot cards and have been reading for others for fun for over twenty years. Marguerite pushed me to read professionally. She helped me get my first reading gigs at psychic fairs, town fairs and in coffee shops. My confidence in my gifts and my skills grew and I knew I could succeed at this. I wouldn't be outrageously rich, but I could make a comfortable living doing what I loved.

Marguerite is also Wiccan. She is the High Priestess of a coven in upstate New York. Over the past few months I was welcomed warmly into their group. At no time did any covener try to convert me or turn me into a toad when I held to my own spiritual beliefs. I felt a kinship with these people. I felt safe and started to trust again. Trusting people by opening myself up and being vulnerable, and trusting people by entering into a working partnership with Marguerite.

Opening up is the hardest part of my journey so far. Since my divorce, very few people have seen my heart and soul, shared my hopes and dreams. People think I open up because I share things that happened in my life. But these are only events. Facts. When I share them, they are devoid of feelings. So beginning to open up again and share hopes and dreams, acknowledge weakness and be vulnerable in front of others was a big step.

It was also a wrong step.

My faith in the group and my decision to open up was mislaid. You see I kissed a girl. Unlike Katie Perry I didn't like it. Well really, the kiss never happened. As I leaned forward I heard her say no and then felt her cheek on my lips.

No big deal. It's what men and women do. You feel a connection with someone and you seize the opportunity. You take the chance. Sometimes you get kissed back. Sometimes you don't. It was what happened after.

I left to go back to the city and the rest of the coveners went to a local restaurant to eat. The next day I received an email from one of the group. He wrote to tell me he heard a rumor that I was interested in "the girl I kissed." He also let me know that while the others at the table thought I was ridiculous, and I was not in the same league as "the girl I kissed" he was on my side and he was rooting for me. 

This got me angry. My private life was private. I quickly emailed him back asking what he heard and from whom. In my anger and before he could respond I also called Marguerite. I told her about the email I received and asked what happened over dinner. I wanted to know what had been said. She told me the "the girl I kissed" told her about the incident, the non kiss.  Marguerite said that was all she knew and if I had any problems to talk with "the girl I kissed." I explained that talking with "the girl I kissed" was not necessary and that my private life was private. It was not public fodder and if it happened again I was gone. Out from the group and out from our business arrangement.

As I was ending my conversation with Marguerite my call waiting beeped. It was the friend who emailed me. I asked the same questions to him. He told me Marguerite told him about the non kiss and that others were discussing it at dinner. I asked him if "the girl I kissed" was at the table during these discussions. He could not remember.

What followed was several conversations of defer, deny and deflect. Many games of he said, she said, they said. It culminated with the friend who emailed me yelling at me and telling me I owed Marguerite an apology for ripping her a new one. He also told me I was a false friend and wanted nothing to do with me any longer.

After all the phone conversations I felt hurt and humiliated and very alone. I removed myself from all the social media sites that Marguerite had a presence. I was angry and frustrated and so damn tired of being strong.

All I did was was try to kiss a girl and got all this bullshit. It felt as if I was back in high school instead of being 45.

Sometimes I don't know if people are worth it. I want to believe they are, but then I get smacked upside the head with this mishagosh.