Seeing how this Tuesday is Christmas, it is time for me to dust off my personal tradition. I originally wrote this blog in 2007 when I was starting to put my life back together again. It is the story of the worst Christmas Eve I have ever known.
I know Christmas is a time of joy, love and family. A time of Peace on Earth and Goodwill towards Man. But there is another face to Christmas. One that is not shown on television, in Norman Rockwell portraits, or found in church pews. For many Christmas is a reminder of loss, of pain. It is a time that, by it's very family orientation, reminds people of what they lost. Or indeed, never had.
I discovered this one Christmas Eve when I was dealing with my own demons. I couldn't sleep and instead of thoughts of sugarplums dancing in my head my mind was filled with images of murder and suicide. This scared me. After throwing a bottle of pills across the room I ran outside for some fresh air.
I stepped into the cold frigid early morning, the icy rain pelting my skin. I was greeted first by the cries of my upstairs neighbor. She was shrieking. Soul ripping cries of pain, beseeching God to, "bring him back. Please bring him back." I imagined she was clutching a pillow and davening. Thinking about a son or her husband.
As I walked around my community more cries assaulted my ears. A couple fighting. A mother crying. People drowning their pain in bottles. Everywhere there was despair and emptiness. These people, who plastered smiles on their face during the daytime, were living their own private hells on Christmas Eve.
After twenty minutes or so, I returned inside to the roaring silence. Alone, in the dark and in my own misery, I said a silent prayer for those like me. For those who Christmas is not a joyous remembrance. I cried tears of pain that night and fell asleep on the couch.
That night was seven years ago and still I remember. I no longer can look upon the holiday season as a warm embrace. From that night on I view Christmas with a touch of melancholia. Saddened, but still grateful for what I have.
Please remember your blessings not only on Christmas Day but everyday. Be grateful for your health and happiness and family.
Celebrate the fullness of your lives. Hug those you love. And take time to remember and pray for the silent cries of those less fortunate.
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